Two peanuts walked into a bar and one was a salted. A sandwich walked into a bar. The bartender said, “Sorry, we don’t serve food in here.” A ham sandwich walked into a bar and began to order.
The bartender interrupted him with, “We don’t serve ham sandwiches here.” The sandwich said, “That’s all right, I just wanted a beer.” A cow walked into a bar and when the bartender did not respond said loudly, “I said ‘Hey’ bartender.”
Hay, however you pronounce it, is now passé for a bunch of French cows. If they walk into a bar, they will be staggering and will ask the bartender for some “Vin” not diesel but the real thing. In fact, a bunch of cows going into a wine bar might well be called a Cru. If they’re hopelessly middle-class they would be a Cru Bourgeois.
The “back-story” as they call it now, or the meat of the thing, is that some farmers in the famous Languedoc-Rosselin wine-growing area of France, are now serving their cows wine to improve the quality of the meat.
Discovery News reported that the idea came from the president of an association of wine, Jean-Charles Tastavy, who got the idea of plying the cows with wine after hearing of studies in Spain and Canada that highlighted the merits of keeping animals happy to yield better meat.
“For each animal, alcohol intake should be equivalent to the amount recommended by health authorities for a man, namely two or three glasses of wine a day.
For cattle, it is 1 liter to 1 liter and half,” explains Tastavy. Laurent Pourcel, Michelin-starred chef, support the idea.
He believes that farmers should not hesitate to produce this meat that has a “very special” texture — “beautiful, marbled, tender which caramelizes during cooking.”
“She has a fine taste, very strong,” Pourcel added. “Allowed to go stale and relax, the better it is.” Pourcel has already convinced some of his confreres in a presentation made at his restaurant. “All the great Parisian restaurants will take,” predicted the chef, stressing that this meat is an outlet for farmers and growers in the region.
The only downside to the wine-and-dine experiment is that the only thing more staggering than the cows is the price of a piece of VINBOVIN (the name given to the special meat). Because two bottles of wine drive up the price by about US$18 per day, a kilo of the special beef (2.2 pounds) costs US$122.
The famous Japanese “Kobe” beef, associated with the city of Kobe, is considered the most exclusive in the world and comes from some specially bred “kuroge Wagya” (black-hair) cattle. Each animal is pampered like a spoiled child.
Their diets are strictly controlled but despite their aristocratic breeding they eschew wine for the plebian beer.
During the final fattening process, these cattle are fed hefty quantities of “sake” (Japanese wine) and beer mash. Each animal gets a daily massage. The theory is that mellow, relaxed cows make good beef.
Kobe Bryant is not so mellow about his name being used in this manner and is quite cut up about it.
His beef, according to his lawyer Jeff Rundvlees is, “While we are aware the city of Kobe has been around longer than my client, Mr. Bryant has clearly become more famous and influential. I mean, just type ‘Kobe’ into Google and tell me what comes up first.”
Rundvlees continued, “Kobe gets paid a lot of money by a lot of major companies to have his name associated with their products, and now this Japanese beef is reaping the benefits of all his hard work.
I mean, if Gatorade had a flavor named Kobe and wasn’t paying him for it, we’d be suing them too.”
According to the story (the authenticity of which is not as guaranteed as Kobe beef), Bryant is not demanding future compensation but instead feels that he should have the right to name the beef. When pressed for a possible alternate name he suggested, “I don’t know man. Maybe they should call it ‘Shaq’ beef since it’s really fatty.”
I figure we in the Caribbean should start feeding our cows Barbados rum so that our beef could “Eclipse” the Japanese or the French. This rum diet might be particularly applicable to a situation that I have referred to several times before.
Once upon a time in a village in Trinidad an old couple owned a bull and a cow. The cow produced a constant supply of milk which the old people sold and made enough money to live on.
They then got the idea of buying a second cow so they could make twice the money and live even better – perhaps even a holiday in Canada.
“I always wanted to see Toronto!” the old lady said. Alas and alack, their dream of a vacation turned into a nightmare as no milk was forthcoming from the new cow. They then went to the village holy man, hoping for assistance. The old farmer explained the position, “Pundit,” he said, “this new cow is trouble.
When the bull come behind she, the cow move forward. When he come by she side, she jump away. Whatever the bull do she move away from him.”
The Pundit who had listened silently nodding his head sagely said, “That cow from Penal nah?” Penal is a small village in South Trinidad. The couple was mystified. “Pundit, you is a genius. You really wise. How you know that the cow from Penal.” This time the Pundit shook his head sadly, very sadly and said, “Because my wife from Penal.”
The post-script to the story is that the couple then decided to go to the veterinarian, a Barbadian, for help.
Knowing his rums well he immediately knew what to prescribe. He said without a moment’s hesitation, “This definitely is a case for Cockspur.”
*Tony Deyal was last seen trying to figure out the riddle, “What does the Invisible Man drink?” Evaporated milk.
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