Latest update November 13th, 2024 1:00 AM
Apr 01, 2011 Features / Columnists, Stella Says
I am watching once again as a woman is hurt over a broken relationship. I watch as her health is affected, her sanity is pushed to the edge and the tears will not stop falling. I try to console her, but I cannot make the pain of lost love go away.
I reason with her and help her plan for her next steps in life. Just baby steps for now. I encourage her to think about herself now and her future.
Still, all she can think about is him. She has spent 17 years thinking about him every single day, so it is very difficult for her to stop now. How can she just stop caring? How does she turn the love off?
I worry for her health and I worry about whether she is strong enough – physically and emotionally – to weather this storm. One moment she is angry and ready to fight anything that gets in her way. The next moment she is broken and sobbing. She stops long enough to listen to my calming words and responds accordingly, until yet another wicked act assails her and she is once again face to face with the hurt and pain.
Just a few short months ago her life was predictable and secure. The future was written in stone.
Now, she does not think beyond the next few hours and all security has been swept away with the wind. On the one hand, she is glad to be out of that prison that held her back.
On the other hand, she misses the comfort of the familiar surroundings of that prison.
She thought she knew him so well. It seems there is another side to the person with whom she exchanged vows. She is not blameless either, though her impetuousness was a cry for attention. She knows how much it hurt him, but she did not cross the line. She did not betray their vows. In response, he is slowly, day-by-day, ripping out pieces of her heart.
So much for protecting her. Instead, he let people think the worst of her. He even encouraged those fictional stories to justify his own actions. In just a few short weeks, he has moved on to another and it is like the last 17 years never happened. How many times have I seen this happen?
A few years ago I watched a different woman, vibrant and intelligent, reduced to a mumbling stupor. Her small frame went unnourished for days until she looked like a skeleton because the “love of her life” had found a new woman.
Ironically, she did not even know about the other woman and could not understand why her love wanted to end their marriage.
I have never seen as much heartache in anyone’s eyes as I saw in that woman’s eyes. She has moved on in life now. She has a good job and a home in another city and she is raising the kids. But there is nothing that can convince me that she will ever be the same after such intense hurt and pain.
There is an old saying that asserts, “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.” I have seen women who prayed for death and were instead given strength.
The reality is that even though our physical bodies are made to survive extreme emotional turmoil, our psyches can suffer such great distress that a full recovery is hardly possible without professional help. I hope that is not the case with the woman in front of me.
She accepts the hot tea I offer and we chat a bit more about how to best address the situation. No, not what is best for him or what is best for them, but what is best for her. Like many women, she has lost herself in the relationship and must now find herself again. It is scary and thrilling all at the same time.
Everything will be different now. Birthdays will be different. Holidays will be different. Even shopping for groceries will be different. However, different is not necessarily a bad thing. And there are other very good things, too. He cannot call her stupid anymore or make her feel like an idiot.
He can no longer insinuate that she is holding him back in life. He will have to take full responsibility now for his own failures. Likewise, she is now free to fly. She can soar if she wants.
Does she dare to soar? After all of the hurt and pain, can she even find her wings again? Those wings have been unused for so many years. Does she still know how to use them?
Sure, she might fall the first few attempts at flying, but she must try. It sure beats sitting around waiting for him to come to his senses (because he may never do so). What will she do? She can do anything. She can be anything. The road ahead will not be an easy one, but she does not need “easy.” She just needs “possible.”
There will be more tears and more screams, but they will eventually subside. When the tears and screams are gone, the woman who is left will be stronger and wiser. She might not have wanted to be stronger and wiser, but she is nonetheless.
She may have just wanted to stir things up and get his attention, but life has other plans for her. Bigger and better plans.
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