GOING FOR CAIN

November 14, 2011 | By | Filed Under Features / Columnists, Tony Deyal column 

Herman Cain is an Afro-American trying to be the Republican nominee to contest the next Presidential election due on November 6, 2012.  A few weeks ago he seemed to have everything going for him including a 9-9-9 plan to eliminate the existing tax code in the US and to replace it with a 9% tax across the board.  Now, with five women accusing him of sexual harassment, everybody seems to be going for Cain- especially the “Late Night” comedians.
Jay Leno mused, “One of the Herman Cain women was paid $35,000 and another was paid $45,000, so he’s saying it just proves he can create high-paying jobs for women. I’d like to see the women and find out what the $10,000 difference was.”  Leno also quipped, “Two women have accused Herman Cain of sexually suggestive behavior in the ’90s. He said no. He was just explaining to them his 69-9-9 plan.”  Leno added, “Of course, Cain still doesn’t get it. Like he said he will address all these charges at a press conference tomorrow at Hooters.”
Leno’s rival late-night star, David Letterman, compared Cain’s behavior with what happens to passengers at US airports, “If this guy is not elected president, he could always work at airport security.”   Letterman also joked, “Herman Cain is the first candidate this year to use the word ‘consensual’”.
The “bad boy” of Late Night, Conan O’Brien linked Cain’s harassment accusations with his 9-9-9 proposal, “Herman Cain is having to respond to charges he once sexually harassed women. One German woman kept saying, ‘Nein! Nein! Nein!’”
Jimmy Fallon, another Late Night talk-show host, linked Cain’s background in the pizza industry as Chairman and CEO of “Godfather’s Pizza” to comment, “Herman Cain was accused of sexually harassing two women in the ’90s. Which explains his new campaign slogan, ‘Did somebody order a pizza with extra sausage?’”
Humorist and New York Times bestselling-author, David Borowitz, was even more scathing, “A sexual harasser has no business being President of the United States. He should be Prime Minister of Italy”, “Herman Cain’s sex scandal is actually the first sign that he might be qualified to be a politician”, and “I had a bad feeling about Herman Cain ever since I found out his campaign slogan was, ‘You know you want it.’”
In a neat twist on Cain’s time as CEO of the National Restaurant Association, Borowitz wrote: “Showing the resiliency that has frustrated foes throughout his storied career, Silvio Berlusconi today stepped down as Italian Prime Minister and assumed the helm of the National Restaurant Association.  ‘This is a dream job for me,’ Mr. Berlusconi told reporters as he settled into his new offices in Washington.
‘I love working with people and I intend to be very hands-on.’  Mr. Berlusconi won the coveted position after beating out several rivals, including former International Monetary Fund chief Dominique Strauss-Kahn.”
The sexual harassment accusations have virtually derailed Cain’s hopes of making the next Presidential elections an historic shootout between two African Americans.  Cain versus Obama would have been like Ali versus Frazier in terms of appeal.
Apart from his alleged predatory behavior, Cain’s credentials are impeccable. He was a syndicated newspaper columnist and a radio host, Chairman and CEO of Godfather’s Pizza, Deputy Chairman of the Board of Directors of the Federal Reserve Bank of Kansas City (1992 – 1994) and Chairman (1995 -1996) and then President and CEO of the National Restaurant Association.
He has a BSc in Mathematics and a Master’s in Computer Science and is an Associate Minister in the Antioch Baptist Church North in Atlanta. One comment was he needs to understand the difference between “pray” and “prey”.
Initially Herman Cain’s candidacy was not taken seriously.  However, later even the Late Night comedians, who are now going to town on him for sexual harassment, started to take notice. Leno had said, “Herman Cain is surging in the polls. Many polls have him ahead of Mitt Romney. He hasn’t said who he would choose as his running mate yet, but according to a report, he’s had several meetings with Papa John.”
Conan followed with, “”Herman Cain has moved ahead of Mitt Romney. Can you believe that? Political analysts say this is because Americans don’t understand Mormonism but they do understand pizza.”
While one can write an epic with more volumes than “The Fall Of The Roman Empire” (Gibbons) about what Americans don’t understand, “The Fall Of The Cain Candidacy” is one that anyone can understand.  It is the leaning tower of pizza.  Colin Powell, perhaps the best US President who never was, did not run for President because, as commentator Roland Langley said, he would sit beneath a lamp of scrutiny unparalleled in history.
Cain’s emergence to the front of the pack made him a target. What might have been arcane has given way to “Ah! Cain!” His past has been resurrected and his dream of being President will inevitably be shattered.
Cain once did a version of John Lennon’s “Imagine” which included the stanza, “Imagine there’s no pizza / I couldn’t if I tried / Eating only tacos / Or Kentucky Fried”.  His next parody has to be of himself with, “Imagine all the women/ I groped when I could/ No more being President/ When I really should.”
*Tony Deyal was last seen saying that each of the women made it clear that Cain was not Her-man.

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